If Bert loses by more than 3 touchdowns, then he will be fired the very next day! Lock it in! Jeff Long will then promote Dan Enos to interim coach to finish the year and, possibly, audition for a permanent position as the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks.

Other candidates on Jeff Long's list in no particular particular order:

Les Miles: He's won before in the SEC and he needs a job. He also gave a painfully awkward interview at the LSU/Auburn game. It was just soooo bad. He's not as good on TV as everyone thought he'd be, but I think Bert could be as good as we hoped Les would be. Maybe Long could swing a trade with tv.

Pat Narduzzi: He's at Pitt and Jeff Long USED to be there. No, Long didn't hire Narduzzi at Pitt, but Long could at Arkansas!

Bo Pelini: He's still coaching and Nebraska regrets firing him(probably). Pelini coached in the SEC, once upon a time in a land of corndog gumbo. For a head coach, he's a pretty good DC. He also might be a pretty good HC.

Mike Norvell: Just kidding. There's no way Long hires this guy. I don't care how big some of y'all's boner is for him.

Dan Enos: Glasses like Long. Previous head coach experience. But would he even WANT the job out of some sense of loyalty to Bert Bulema???? Yes. Yes, he would.

Brady Hoke: Apparently, just as good of a coach as Jim Harbaugh and everyone knows that Jim Harbaugh is one of the best ever. Just ask him.

Alabama DC: Who cares what his name is? He's from the Saban coaching tree!!! Remember Kirby Smart??? Forget all the others who failed.

Greg Schiano: He beat Bert once. I think. I know he coached at Rutgers and I know Bert's team lost to Rutgers before. I do know for sure that Schiano failed in the NFL. I also know Schiano coaches under Urban Meyer. I also know Randy Rainwater would have trouble pronouncing his name. For some reason. It's not even a difficult last name. You know Randy, though.

John L. Smith: Maybe just for a few minutes. Like, they announce John L. as the head coach, he spends 3 minutes at the press conference, he's then fired, then they announce the REAL hire. I know for sure the new coach would look a whole lot better following John L. Smith.

For serious, though, I think Bert's a good coach. I just don't think it's gonna work out at Arkansas.