Welp, here is it folks, the week we have all been waiting for. The week where Arkansas turns everything around and shows the world that Bert Ball is real. No, this is no ordinary week. This is #BamaWeek and the only way to ensure victory is for everyone - the entire fan base - to do their part. No one can slack... this isn't a joking matter. Maybe some weeks - but not this week.
Normally, I wake up, have some breakfast, and take a shower while listening to 90's hip hop songs like "Pony" (SB Nation regulations), "Regulate", or "No Diggity" - but not this week. This week I will walk downstairs, chug 12 raw eggs and listen to DMAC highlights and Houston Nutt "Wide Right" clips all while humming the fight song. Typically for lunch, I go for a jog (haha not really) and enjoy a nice garden salad - but not this week.
This week I'm going to eat pulled pork and bacon while practicing my Hog Call in the mirror for hours on end. Usually after work I'll move some weight, have a few chicken breasts, and sit down to watch a movie- but not this week. This week I'll be cutting up film of every game Bama has played under Nick Saban while doing a bear crawl circuit outside and screaming at neighbors for their lack of hustle.
This isn't funny, this isn't a joke. Not this week.
Everyone needs to have this mindset. The only way to win on Saturday is to win during the week.
There is one small problem that many in the state will encounter though... employment. Now normally employment is great. It allows you to make money and in turn pay billz and live life - but not this week. This week money is literally meaningless. I don't even know what money is right now. In my mind the barter system is still the number one way to procure goods.
So, for those of us that our employed, how do we give the Hogs our undivided attention while not getting fired?
1. The Back Up Screen
These days the vast majority of us spend our days staring into a unnaturally bright computer screen. Basically we take every human instinct that has ever existed - every feeling that lead to our survival as a species - and throw it out the window. The cube life is a tough but necessary evil for many of us out there, but it does have one huge plus. And that's the back up screen. If you work at an office you undoubtedly know what I'm referring to. The Back Up Screen is basically an excel spread sheet, or memo, or some report, that is always there in the time of need. Your boss is heading you way.... boom... click the back up screen and it's like you've been working for hours even though all you've done is YouTube "Greatest Arkansas Football moment" for 7 straight hours. The Back Up Screen is self explanatory but you most follow 2 simple rules. 1) It must be relevant and 2) You need to have it memorized or it'll come back to bite you.
2. Watch Your Six
The only way for the Back Up Screen to have any sort of functionality is for you to watch your back. If you have no idea when your boss is coming up behind you then you have failed before you even started. There are a couple ways to achieve this. The first is to double up with the cube buddy across from you. You watch his back, he watches your back. This is an effective way to go about it but it does have risks. What if he's a double agent? What if he isn't trustworthy?Lots of risk having to rely on other people. I think the better way is to strategically arrange the pictures of your family where you get a good feel of what's behind you from reflections in the glass. It makes you look like a loving family man and it allows you to exploit your family. Classic win-win there.
3. Ignorance is Everything
If anyone asks you about the game - shut it down. Say thing's like "Wait, I thought we were playing Georgia this week?" or "How did Bama do last week? I didn't have a chance to see that." People will think your insane, but that beats unemployment. They'll say things like "Man, did you talk with Drew? He's so wrapped up in work he didn't even know it was #BamaWeek." Now, this approach doesn't work when you write articles that are published on the Internet that happen to outline how to get away with not working - but I'm here for you guys. I'll take on that burden.
If your boss does somehow catch you slacking off there is only one sure fire way to get away with it. DENY DENY DENY. It isn't a lie if you believe it. If they fire you Friday... come in on Monday. It'll work. You just have to act like it never happened. I think you'll be shocked at how well this works.
We need this week ya'll. We deserve this week. If you have any other anti-work tips or tricks please leave them in the comment section under an anonymous name.
WOO DAMN PIG!!!