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Reasons to Hate: Auburn

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Does this article even need to be written?

Michael Chang/Getty Images

The reasons are plentiful. We picked out a few.

Reasons to Hate

1. Bielema says so. August 29th, 2015. It was a simpler time, it was a better time.  The Arkansas Razorbacks were still undefeated, and Bret Bielema pointed us directly at who to hate.

He said it. "I hate Auburn".  We don't even need to go on, but I guess we will.

2. Elevators. A new entry this year. In case you've forgotten, at halftime of last year's game at Auburn, with the score tied, the Arkansas assistant coaches in the press box weren't able to get into the locker room at halftime because their elevators didn't work. Our Auburn friends have told us those elevators are notoriously awful, and they were terribly embarrassed, but it almost definitely wasn't a conspiracy. Still, if this happened in the Iron Bowl, there'd already be an SEC Storied documentary in the works.

I don't know what elevators the opposing coaches go down in Razorback Stadium. But if we can figure it out, should we get a prankster to hit all the buttons so it takes a while to get down? Arkansas has rarely been a 2nd half team in the Bielema years, but Hoganese only gets you so far over a telephone (which can anyone say it wasn't being listened to by the Auburn Coaching Staff?). You really ought to be able to communicate face to face what you've been seeing from the upper decks as compared to what the players and the rest of the staff are seeing on the field. It only makes sense, but not like we haven't been accusing Auburn of cheating for years.

3. Instead of fixing the elevators, they built a huge new scoreboard. "Yeah our foundation is cracking like it was built out of Legos, but LOOK AT OUR GIANT NEW TEE VEE!"

4. Gus. I hate that he's bringing his team on a road trip to Arkansas, and he's going to be spending Friday evening not avoiding Arkansas rowdies, but being honored as part of the 2005 Springdale team reunion. I get it, but this isn't how SEC road trips are supposed to work.

You can't name any other person who was so shortly involved with the Arkansas Razorbacks football program that createed half as much controversy as Coach Malzahn. So, for pitting Arkansans and Razorback fans against each other, I hate Gus. I hate that he was some kind of package deal with 4 players that were never worth the amount of drama they brought. I hate that he had a great job with a shitty boss and decided he was going to get his career rolling elsewhere. I hate that he got so much credit for those miracle plays in 2013 that his offense is still considered to be so dangerous despite pretty mediocre results since the middle of last season.

5. Pick a Mascot. This is always here. It's standard. This will always be here. Figure it out. Be the orange eagles.  We've got two other tiger mascots in the SEC anyway. Plus, the Memphis Tigers look pretty, pretty good, too. There aren't any Eagles in the NCAA that anyone really cares about.  Just BE the Auburn War Damn Eagles.  You don't have a live tiger, your most recognizable logo doesn't even have the tiger motif, you can take that other logo and just make them into cold killer eagle eyes. JUST DO IT.

6. Auburn fan traditions. Remember, your idea of celebrating a big win is toilet papering your own trees. I'll give the fans kudos, when Arkansas won in 2006, you guys were pretty chill.  Given that you were #2, I thought for sure we'd be eaten alive for wearing Razorback gear in Auburn, but then again, I can't explain the rationality of people that pack toilet paper for their tailgate that they don't plan to use for it's one God given purpose... but that's just me.