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Coach Breaks Down Last Night’s Win Over LSU

As a disgraced head football coach, and aspiring member of Arkansas Athletics, Chuck Duxter has decided to move into punditry. Here, he breaks down what went right for the Hogs in their 14-4 rout of LSU.

College World Series - Arkansas v Oregon State - Game Three Photo by Peter Aiken/Getty Images

Hello there, Razorback Nation. My name is Chuck Duxter. Some of you may know me from my failed attempt to become the head football coach at the University of Arkansas. While some would lay down and die after such a rejection, I can not, and will not.

After days spent hacking into Arkansas Fight’s servers, I have finally gotten in, and I’m ready to tell ya what went right against LSU on Thursday night!

1. Arkansas stepped on home plate more than LSU

It’s a simple game, baseball, and the simple game of baseball last night was no different. It turns out, if you step on home plate, they’ll just give you runs! Nobody will even try to take them away! Apparently nobody told LSU this, because they were content to step on the plate 4 times, compared to Arkansas players wisely stepping on it 10 more times for a total of 14 runs. Why they stopped there, I can’t say, but kudos to old DVH for telling his boys to get stepping.

2. Arkansas fans were clean, and therefore earned good karma

Look at this fella:

He brought his own trash can to the Hog Pen. Clearly Mother Nature realized the stewardship of this fine young gentleman, and decided to provide the Piggies with good karma. Bring your trash cans, folks! It’ll help the team!

3. Arkansas smartly changed the name of Thursday to ZayDay, giving Isaiah Campbell plenty of confidence

Pitchers can be a finicky bunch. They all got rituals that help ‘em get their mojo going. From Nolan Ryan singing the entirety of “Mississippi Queen” by Mountain before every pitch, or Cy Young’s request to always eat a bag of Funyuns after each inning, there’s some absurd ways that pitchers choose to get comfy. Campbell is no different. Apparently, he only works on days that end with the letters “ay,” so it was smart of Arkansas to change the name of Thursday to “ZayDay” to appease him.

4. Heisman Winner

I’m a football coach by nature, and a disgraced racquetball champion by court mandate, so I like to apply things I know to sports I know nothing about. Consequently, I will be awarding my weekly Heisman award to Dominic Fletcher, who hit the ball 987 feet according to most major statisticians. They say Kyler Murray won the football Heisman for being good at baseball, and Dominic Fletcher should be treated no differently. Welcome to the club, Dom.

5. Freaky Early Friday, and Sold-Out Saturday

Hog fans were seen lining up at the Hog Pen at 7am today. That’s freaky early, and is evidence of some rabid fandom. LSU must have seen that we sold out Saturday, and foreseen that we’d line up on Friday, and been too scared to score any more runs. What can I say? The Hog Fans are good!

That concludes my analysis, I’ll hopefully successfully hack into Arkansas Fight’s servers in the future to provide you with more! GO HOGS!

Chuck Duxter is a Pulitzer Prize winning author, and 29 time winner of the BCS National Championship on EA Sports’ NCAA Football 13. He’s previously served as a rejected coaching candidate for the University of Arkansas, as an uninvited guest on Sports Talk with Bo Mattingly, and as the bassist of the critically acclaimed band All-American Rejects.

Inquiries may be made by dropping folded notes into the sewers underneath Donald W. Reynolds Razorback Stadium.