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Like I Think It Is: Bobby Petrino Did Nothing Wrong

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A celebrated column from a celebrated columnist.

South Carolina v Arkansas Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

For those of you who don’t know, the University of Arkansas is a school in the SEC that plays football.

It is currently hiring a football coach.

Football is defined as “a form of team game played in North America with an oval ball on a field marked out as a gridiron.”

Let’s look at the possible head coaching candidates:

Bobby Petrino: He made one small mistake of going 2-8 in his last year at Louisville. Anyone could make this mistake. It’s time to forgive him.

There are no other realistic candidates, so expect me to keep apologizing for the tiny, small mistakes that this man made.

Who hasn’t siphoned 20,000 dollars to pay off their illegally hired mistress?

The truth is, there are no other candidates for the job.

Would Mike Norvell, Matt Rhule, Matt Campbell, Eliah Drinkwitz, come? Sure, but that doesn’t fit my narrative, so the point is that Bobby Petrino is the only man for the job.

A failed tenure like the one had by Chad Morris can only have one person to blame: Julie Cromer-Peoples.

Did the Board of Trustees actually make the hire and not the virtually powerless interim athletic director? Sure. But I’m intimidated by women in power, so I think it’s necessary to point out that it’s all her fault because boys rule and girls drool.

Another name not being considered is Hugh Freeze. While Bobby Petrino is the only viable candidate, it’s worth noting that Hugh Freeze has hardly any baggage. The only thing he did wrong was rampantly violate recruiting bylaws and use taxpayer money and a university phone to hire prostitutes. Who hasn’t done that?

Please keep an eye out for my next column which will be prominently featured in every major publication in Arkansas for some reason.