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College Football Week 1 Super Serious Picks: It’s All Happening!

Your weekly primer of semi-researched, crackpot picks!

Mississippi v Auburn
“Things are not going well.” “I know.”
Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Coming to you from sunny Orlando, Florida, I can tell you that I knew it was football when the leaves began to change, the temperature began to drop, and Doc sent out a mass email to get everyone focused for the start of the season. Excitement levels are high, but let us not forget that college football season also means some damn good football is being played across the country, not just in Northwest Arkansas.

*All times Saturday unless listed and all games listed in Central Time, the only time that matters.

Thursday Night:

App State @ #9 Tennessee 6:30 PM

App state has completed some awesome upsets in the past (ie: Michigan 2007), but Joshua Dobbs and his painted on hair aren’t going to let that happen.

Spread: Tennessee -23

App State: 20 Tenn 52

South Carolina @ Vanderbilt 7 PM

I really hate this game. I’m bored just thinking about it. Somehow Vandy is favored. I hate Muschamp, but he has a way of drastically improving teams in the short term. I think SC bounces back this year to a respectable level, which includes an early win against Vandy.

Spread: Vanderbilt -2.5

SC 30 Vandy 14

Really Freaking Early:

Georgia Tech V Boston College (In Ireland) 6:30 AM ET

This game is only interesting because of the locale. These Ireland games have been going on with some regularity for the past couple of years so we might as well embrace them. Wake up early on Saturday morning, pour yourself a heaping bowl of lucky charms and watch GT beat the spread and BC in front of a lot of people named “McCarthy”.

Spread: GT -3

GT 24 BC 16

Normal Morning Slate

Missouri @ West Virginia 11 AM ET

Missouri flies to Morgantown to face WVU for the first game of the mountaineers’ 125th season. Ironically, 125 is also the number of total yards the Tigers will have in this game.

Spread: WVU -12.5

Mizzou 9 WVU 30

#3 Oklahoma V #15 Houston 11 AM

Personally, I think this is the first great game of the college football season. This is also the first of 13 consecutive wins this season for Tom Herman. Coogs shock the Sooners.

Spread: OU -10

OU 21 Houston 24

Afternoon Slate

#5 LSU V Wisconsin (In Green Bay) 2:30 PM

With the returning cast Les has this year he absolutely needs to get his team to the SEC championship (which I don’t think is going to happen) if he wants to keep his job. Fournette will win this one on his own, but I think it will be closer than people were expecting. Fun fact, Fournette will score more TDs in Lambeau in 2016 than the Chicago Bears will.

Spread: LSU -10

LSU 27 Wisconsin 21

#16 UCLA @ Texas A&M 2:30 PM

I have no idea how TAMU is going to perform this year. They could grind out 9 wins, or barely eek out 3 and I wouldn’t be surprised either way. Their defense will keep them competitive throughout the year, but UCLA seems to be ready to contend with the best of college football this year. This being the first game of the year for either team, as well as it being in Aggieland will keep the score close, but ultimately UCLA gets the “W”.

Spread: TAMU -1


Louisiana Tech @ Arkansas 3 PM

YAY! HOG FOOTBALL IS BACK! I’m low-key scared of another slow start for the Razorbacks, especially against a team that has surprised people in the past. Luckily, the Bulldogs lost a lot of talent on both offense and defense, which means the Hogs won’t crush the hopes and dreams of Razorback nation until at least week 2.

Spread: Arkansas -26

LaTech 17 Arkansas 35

#18 Georgia V #22 North Carolina (Atlanta) 3:30 PM

This is going to be a great game, so wheel that old CRT in the guest bedroom into the living room so you can dual screen this one and the Hog game. Many unanswered questions on both sides make this one almost impossible for me to predict. For me, it came down to one player who is going to win this game for his team. Nick Chubb. He’s good to go, and should thrash a UNC defense that gave up 1200 rushing yards in their last three games last year. If they can stop the run it will be a long day for UGA, but I don’t see that happening. Damn, I forgot to work Mitch Trubisky into that preview. Love that name.

Spread: Georgia -3.5

UGA 30 UNC 24

Primetime Slate

Southern Miss @ Kentucky 6:30 PM

Another boring one. I like what Stoops has done in Kentucky. He has faltered here and there occasionally, but he usually starts the year off strong. Kentucky gets the win.

Spread: Kentucky -7

Southern Miss 17 Kentucky 28

UMass @ #25 Florida 6:30 PM

Ok, sure. UF buys a win.

Spread: Florida -36

Umass 10 Florida 45

#20 USC V #1 Alabama (Arlington) 7 PM

USC hasn’t impressed me in 5 years. They continue to get preseason hype but we know how this story ends. Those crass but funny “OJ” shirts will be the least of the Trojans’ worries.

Spread: Alabama -9.5

USC 20 Bama 30

#2 Clemson @ Auburn 8 PM

Another SEC coach on the hotseat, Malzahn, doesn’t have a good chance at starting the season on a high note. Dabo is a better coach, and he has a better team. Teams are always susceptible to a slow start to the season, but Deshaun Watson is way too good for that. The future Heisman Trophy runner-up will lead his team to an easy victory.

Spread: Clemson -8

Clemson 42 Auburn 28

College Football After Dark:

Arizona V BYU (Glendale) 9:30 PM

Neither team is ranked, but Arizona coach Rich Rodriguez has been painfully average for a while and I think this may be his last season to make it right. All the while, BYU may be trying to make a case for BigXII inclusion with a new coach by earning a convincing win to start the season. Should be a close one.

Spread: Arizona -1.5

Arizona 24 BYU 27

Sunday Night Football

#10 Notre Dame @ Texas (Sunday, Sep 4) 6:30 PM

A game consisting of two teams I really don’t like, this one may be closer than we think. Look for Notre Dame to pull away late.

Spread: ND -4

ND 31 Texas 24

Monday Night Football

#11 Ole Miss V #4 Florida State (Orlando Monday, Sep 5) 7 PM

Perfect game for a Monday off! Expect lots of points. Like A LOT of points.

Spread: FSU -6

Ole Miss 42 FSU 45

BONUS: Loser Watch!

Kansas and UCF both went 0-12 last year. Yikes. Who do you think breaks the streak first? KU plays the Rhode Island Rams, and UCF plays Jacksonville State. KU has slightly better chances if you ask me, but if they don’t win it, expect another 0-12 season for the Jayhawks.