Thanks again to the sleuths that the Razorbackexpats employ, I was able to get the telephone number of one Mr. Law of Averages. I had a conversation with him this morning in regard to the state of our suffering Hogs. Here's the transcript of our conversation.
ME: Hello, Is this Mr. Law of Averages?
LOA: Speaking.
ME: I am glad I caught you. You aren't too busy to speak to me are you?
LOA: Well, actually, I am just about to get on a plane to Mexico City. There's a kid there that found a coin in the street and has flipped it heads forty-five times in a row. Gotta go make a tails show up. But, yeah, I can give you a few minutes.
ME: Well, the reason I called is the Razorback basketball team. They lost to South Carolina last night and now have a conference record of 1-11. Arkansas fans are suffering at the moment. We just aren't used to this much futility from our basketball team.
LOA: So. What do you want me to do about it?
ME: Come to our next basketball game and sit on our bench.
LOA: Do you know how many of these types of requests I get everyday? Most people just email them to me, but you somehow got my phone number. And do you think after I grant these wishes that I get a lot of thanks and praise? No, sir. I don't hear from these people at all. Has Vanderbilt thanked me in the media for the bowl win? Even mentioned my name? Have the Irish said thanks for their bowl win? Not a peep! Arkansas fan, right? You would think I would get at least a fruit basket from you guys when on occasion you win a bowl game. But, nope!
ME: I assure you that we Hog fans will be more grateful and all.
LOA: I doubt it. You'll be just like the rest. You'll go on and on about the effort your team showed and talk about their talent and mention everybody on the team, including the guy who wipes down the showers, before you mention me. Law of Averages. You know, I got Danica Patrick that first win, but then she stood me up. Have you ever eaten alone at the Four Seasons? Embarassing. I hope to have better luck with Kate Winslet.
ME: Kate Winslet?
LOA: Yeah, she's going to win an Oscar tonight, her 6th try. I have it all worked out. I just hope I can get to LA before she leaves. This kid in Mexico City is really screwing things up for me.
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ME: Good luck with Kate, but back to the Hogs. Any chance of you showing up for a Razorback conference game before the season is done? I'll take you out to Doe's Eat Place or Jose's afterwards. You wouldn't eat alone. At this point, I wouldn't be embarassed to be seen with you. And I'll make sure you get plenty of mention and praise on at least our blog.
LOA: I really have to go. My plane is about to board. I can't make any promises right now. But I'll tell you what my father used to tell me. "Son, ever so often even a blind hog finds an acorn."
ME: Will that acorn be found against, Georgia?
LOA: Sorry, gotta turn this cellphone off. My gosh, he just flipped number forty-six!
ME: Hey, our next game is against Alabama! Will we see you in Tuscaloosa? Are you still there?