Once again this year we managed to sneak one of our interns into Santa's HQ up there in the North Pole. We sent him with the mission of finding out what each SEC team / fanbase is getting or hopes to get this year from that jolly old elf, and I don't mean Verne Lundquist. The boys and girls of SEC land have made a lot of different wishes, but we can say that there is certainly one common wish, and that is that February, March, April, May, June, and July don't take as long as they did last year. Enjoy the bowl games folks, for those Saturday Christmas mornings of the fall for lovers of SEC football are done for another year. It was quite a ride wasn't it?
ALABAMA - On the wish list of many a fan in Tuscaloosa is one polished dvd that when you insert it in your player you see HD quality images of Cecil and Cam Newton taking a duffel bag full of cash from some Auburn booster in a parking lot just off of Toomer's Corner, Auburn, Alabama. In truth, this was on the wish list of every SEC team outside of Auburn! Santa did take note of that.
AUBURN - Duck for Christmas dinner, the old jolly one will provide. (They would be blessed if my grandmother were to provide the Auburn faithful with her famous duck and dressing, and if I may blow my own duck call so-to-speak, they also would enjoy one of my own duck gumbo creations.) The War Eagle crowd might enjoy eating duck at home and in Glendale, but it is a certainity that their goose will indeed be cooked if Alabama gets what it wants for Christmas.
GEORGIA - A DNA report (46 chromosones and a bulldog) from the lab is what Georgia has requested. They hope that it shows that Will Muschamp truly is a "Georgia Man" as Richt said he thought he was. And thus it will be choke, flub, flop, gag, stumble for year after year after year after year at the The World's Largest Cocktail party for Florida and Florida's new head football coach.
OLE MISS - The fanbase wants a real black bear that could be trained to keep Houston Nutt away from any future QB that takes a snap in Oxford. A real momma grizzly, actually, is what Ole Miss needs to keep Pappa Nutt away from eating the qb talent of the young cub quarterbacks.
MISSISSIPPI STATE - Santa is going to bring the actual Kenny Rogers the singer to Starkville for a concert. Even though it is technically between New York City and the West Coast, I don't think Starkville gets many acts that just stop through, and I think the folks of Starkville would appreciate the Gambler after a season of hearing about the hold them or fold them case of Cam Newton and the other Kenny Rogers. There is some Santa scribbling about possibly having Kenny leave a Roasters in town before he leaves, thus adding a great deal to the dining options of all Starkvillians.
ARKANSAS - Santa will grant Jeff Long's request to ink a good deal with those former Soviet manufacturers of Lenin statues and those huge Red Square banners of Marx and Engels. Long plans to have them manufacture a Bobby Petrino statue and a Ryan Mallett banner for every town square in Arkansas. If your town buys in, the citizens who are season ticket holders get a 5 percent discount when the Hogs come calling for more of your money next year. Woo Pig Sooie, Comrade!
VANDERBILT - Vanderbilt's administration has requested to purchase a copy of Gus Malzahn's book on the spread offense for every season ticket holder. Yes, they don't want it for free from Santa. They want to pay three million dollars for the copies, so it will feel a little more like they had bought the talented coach who turned them down. Santa is going to look for a bookseller who has been really, really, good this year to help make Vandy's wish come true.
FLORIDA - The Gators actually requested another year of eligibility for Tim Tebow, as they certainly will from now until Tim Tebow is dead and gone and maybe even after that, but Santa is actually going to put a humble pie under every 7-5 Gator fan's tree this Christmas. If they want to share it with someone, they might invite the Texas fanbase over, who could use even larger slices this year than what Florida will have to swallow.
TENNESSEE - A lump of coal, more NCAA penalties, and a bag of switches, not for themselves, but for young master Kiffin out in LA. That is what the Vols have asked for. As much as they are pleased with Coach Dooley for getting them to a bowl game, a number of the fans have wished for a gift certificate for Coach Dooley to be applied towards KAPLAN's "Counting Prep" course where Coach Dooley and his offensive staff will learn that eleven doesn't look like twelve, or thirteen, or even fourteen for that matter.
LSU - After beating Alabama and winning ten for the season, the fans have softened some on Les Miles and have asked that Santa bring their coach a bunch of grass. Santa was going to refuse this request outright until an elf told him that it was not the smoking kind of grass, just sod that the LSU fans were wanting for their coach. Santa let out a good laugh and said he would make it Louisiana grass since Michigan is in a bowl game finally.
SOUTH CAROLINA - Santa will be flying in a Voodoo Queen for the Gamecocks. She'll fly into Atlanta where she'll be escorted to the site of the SEC Championship game and South Carolina's future bowl game, the Georgia dome. She'll try to rid it of the funk that South Carolina experienced in a beatdown to Auburn. She'll especially concentrate on getting the evil spirit out of there that allows last second hail mary completions at the end of halfs. But a warning Gamecock fans, she might need to twirl a dead chicken around and over her head to accomplish that.
KENTUCKY - Santa plans to give the beat reporters for Kentucky a compass to find their way beyond the state of Tennessee for a bowl game. The beat reporters because Kentucky basketball is playing a game that day, so you know where the fans will be. Highly apropos that it is the Compass Bowl they are playing in, thought Santa, as he ordered his elves to grant the reporters' request.