In anticipation of tomorrow afternoon's battle against Alabama, we consulted Rasputin, our staff soothsayer, to get his forecast for the game. A Russian immigrant who claims to be hundreds of years old and who sleeps every night in a chamber of pure oxygen, Rasputin has been a rabid Razorbacks football fan since the program's debut in 1894 under head coach John C. Futrall.
An exceedingly sensitive and often volatile man, he grows particularly distressed when his crystal ball predicts a Razorback defeat. (He becomes even more distressed when his predictions are correct — his vodka-induced, post-Georgia-game hangover was a sight to behold.) Therefore, it brings him no pleasure to deliver the forecast below:
"Misery - I foresee that those who shower affection on the Hogs will experience many instances of misery on the next afternoon of the day honoring the god of agriculture.
The evil warriors of the land that time forgot will give ample and effective chase to warrior Mallett, making him feel less than comfortable. Alas, he and his band of spirited men will gain periodic entry into the zone that marks the end of the field, but not often enough and far too late for the noble warriors to be declared the victors.
As for the pig-emblazoned warriors charged with defending against the evil warriors, I foresee lots of pain ... but also some moments of effectiveness that may surprise those who commentate on such matters.
The mighty warriors of Alabama - 38, the mighty warriors of Arkansas - 21.
For those tempted to ask the football gods, 'Why doth thou forsake us?,' I say to thee, 'Do not despair, much football to be played.'"
A notorious poor loser, we can only hope that Rasputin will follow his own advice.
Well, enough from him. Let's hear from you: