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What the Fat, Jolly, Old Soul (Not Verne Lundquist) Will Bring to the SEC

We have learned here at ArkansasExpats that not a single team in the SEC was left off Santa's list this year. Santa likes seeing ten teams fill ten bowl spots. Even Lane Kiffin and the Vols are getting a gift this year. Our North Pole sources have passed along this list of what each team can expect.

GEORGIA - A little black dress and matching pearls for every player. If they want to wear black at next year's cocktail party, then they couldn't look any worse than what they did this year. Black helmets, not tres chic, at all!

OLE MISS - A warehouse stocked with motion sickness pills. Ole Miss, welcome to the crazy, tripped out, Houston Nutt rollercoaster ride. Hotty Toddy Gosh Almighty! Indeed.

SOUTH CAROLINA - A 2010 calendar with just eleven months, November being removed. You can't swoon in November if there isn't one, right? haha.

LSU - Santa is feeling very partial to the Tigers this year. They get two gifts. First, Colt McCoy and Mack Brown are coming to Baton Rouge to give a time management seminar on Santa's dime. For only in Baton Rouge do they qualify as experts. Second, Santa is giving the Tigers a framed picture of the one second that was put back on the clock at the end of the Big 12 Championship game. Santa says it will give the Tigers something to aspire towards in the future.

MISS STATE - A really good basketball season in Starkville. That and a recording of this year's Egg Bowl under every cowbell decorated Christmas tree.

VANDERBILT - Plenty of Music City bowl tickets, passed along to Santa by Kentucky fans who are frankly sick of travelling to Tennessee for bowl games. Vandy fans can go to the game and imagine it is last year.

AUBURN - Alarm clocks for the next time they play Arkansas in the 11:00 AM timeslot.

FLORIDA - A tube of Tim Tebow sperm to be stored in a freezer on campus as part of the university's attempt to guarantee national championships, the Heisman trophy, and plenty of media overexposure in the event that Tebow maintains his saintly purity or only has daughters.

TENNESSEE - Grand Theft Auto (the video game) for the next time members of the team get "bored." I am not really for sure if Santa has thought this one through. Couldn't hours gaming on this be considered potentially "practice" as well?

ALABAMA - Extra, Extra, large houndstooth hats for the fanbase to put on in the event that the Tide beats Texas. They already wear extra large for their swelled heads.

ARKANSAS - Elocution lessons for the country boy / gangsta, talking Ryan Mallett as he prepares for a 2010 Heisman campaign.

KENTUCKY - After yet another year of losing to the Vols, Lane Kiffin's head on a platter. The Wildcats must be trying to give that Notre Dame / Navy record a run for its money. The head, generously provided to Santa by Urban Meyer, or was it Steve Spurrier, or was it Mike Slive?