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Ten Ways To Better Punish Alabama in the Future

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What I think the NCAA is lacking in, among other things, is imagination. I think it is a safe bet that Alabama someday in the future is going to be caught again in some type of football scandal like the recent textbook case or something much worse. What the NCAA needs is a pool of ideas about how to better go about punishing Alabama. How to hit them where it really hurts. Vacating wins? Pssh, who cares? is what they are saying in Tuscaloosa. They know they won those games. To help the NCAA out, I have a few ideas of my own.

1.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama for two years will not be allowed to sell any houndstooth clothing merchandise. Nor will any fan be allowed in the stadium wearing such clothing.

2.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to close the Paul Bear Bryant Museum for one year except for the hours of 8 to 12 PM on Sunday mornings. (Thus forcing the Tiders to choose between their gods. They are bound to feel guilty no matter which place they choose on Sunday.)

3.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to replay scenes on its scoreboard of Auburn's greatest victories during each home half-time for a period not to exceed four years.

4.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama has to rename one campus building "Phil Fulmer Hall" for the period of the rest of Phillip Fulmer's natural life. The building in question will be determined by Mr. Fulmer.

5.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must remove the mascot of an elephant from its buildings, signs, and clothing and replace it with a mouse for the period not to exceed three years.

6.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama institute a course called "Get a Life Outside of Football 101" and have all of its boosters complete it before being allowed to take any future donations.

7.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama is relegated to the Papajohns.com bowl for the next five years regardless of how many wins over .500 they might have. They also must spot the opposing team a three touchdown lead.

8.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must supply Auburn University with all the toilet paper it needs for the next ten years at Toomer's Corner.

9.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must endow a chair in the music department named after Neil Young.

10.) The NCAA hereby mandates that the University of Alabama must re-instate Mike Shula as head coach until said coach wins the SEC Championship. Nick Saban will be allowed to coach the gymnastics, swimming, or girls softball teams without any adjustment in salary.

If you have any punishment scenarios of your own, please submit them in the comment section. Who knows, maybe we can write the textbook on how to humble a football program.