Razorbackexpats' crack team of investigative reporters in Knoxville has uncovered Lane Kiffin's secret plan for picking a fight with every school in the SEC. The recent foot in the mouth controversy with Florida over recruiting appears to be just the start of young Master Kiffin's eleven prong attack on the teams of the Southeastern Conference. Here's what we'll see in the months leading up to the 2009 season.
February 27th - Lane Kiffin informs reporters that when Tennessee plays Georgia he'll have his own wife on the sidelines pouring drinks for the team, and his wife will do it in a much hotter fashion than Mark Richt's wife.
March 8th - Reporters will be invited to a vet clinic outside of Knoxville where Lane Kiffin explains what the Vols will do to Miss. State the next time they play each other. While his father rings a cowbell, Lane brings back memories of Jacki Sherill and proceeds, with a vet's assistance, to neuter a bulldog and before the day is over posts the operation on youtube to the sound of Rocky Top.
April 21st - At an alumni function in Nashville, Kiffin dresses up as Gargamel from the 80's cartoon, "The Smurfs," and arrives with a cat he calls Azrael. He tells the stunned orange clad audience that just like Gargamel and Azrael, Tennessee will "whoop" those Smurfs up in Lexington come next season, and afterwards they'll sing Rocky Top way into the night. The next day a professor from UT's cultural studies department informs Lane that in fact it was the Smurfs who always got the better of Gargamel and Azrael.
April 30th - At a Stuckey's in Johnson City, Tennessee, Lane Kiffin is overheard wondering aloud to Ed Orgeron about how many of the employees and patrons there must be Vanderbilt graduates. This makes the Vanderbilt message boards within the hour, for due to the bad economy, there actually were a few Vanderbilt graduates working at this particular Stuckey's.
May 1st - During a radio call in show, Lane Kiffin expresses concern about the safety of the citizens of Alabama after the 3rd Saturday in October when the Vols will have demolished their long time rival. He tells the audience how he has been in contact with members of the Alabama House and Senate in an effort to get tougher gun control laws on the books before October comes around. He also announces a photo-op that will take place on the steps of the Alabama state capitol building with Sarah Brady. Invites Saban to join him.
May 17th - When asked by an Arkansas reporter what he thinks of Petrino and the prospect of playing one of his teams in the future, Kiffin replies that he doubts Petrino will still be the coach by then, the SEC being too tough and all for him, and that his own Vols aren't too worried about Arkansas, for Stoerner will be sure to fumble the ball if worse should come to worse. "He still plays for you guys, right?"
June 8th - 12th - Lane Kiffin has Ed Orgeron make a tour of such South Louisiana towns as Morgan City, Lafayette, Thibodaux, Franklin, New Iberia, and Houma. Ed's job is to explain in Cajun French the future decline and fall of the LSU Tigers. Unfortunately for Kiffin, we at Razorbackexpats expect that this plan will be a failure, for Ed Orgeron is likely even less comprehensible in French than he is in English.
June 25th - In a conference call with Auburn reporters, Lane Kiffin will be heard praising the Auburn Athletic Department and how they treat their coaches. "You know," Kiffin will say, "I just can't think of a better, more professional, athletic department than Auburn's. First class! You guys really know how to treat a coach and make well thought out, long term decisions." The call ends when soon after a room full of laughter is heard coming from the Knoxville end of the connection.
July 18th - At a celebrity golf tournament in Augusta, Georgia, Kiffin remarks upon Spurrier's indecision as to which golf club to use by saying, "Garcia, Smelley, Garcia, Smelley, Garcia, Smelley, haha." Spurrier has to be restrained.
August 13th - Using some of his father's large salary, Lane Kiffin has billboards put up all around the outskirts of Oxford with a picture of Peyton Manning on them. They say, "Come to Knoxville, Where an Actual SEC Champion Manning Once Played."
And that is how young Master Kiffin will tick off every school in the SEC before the first pigskin is kicked. Why? Who knows! Kids these days. It isn't like the SEC isn't hard enough to win in already. Just ask Mike Dubose, Sly Croom, Ron Zook, Mike Shula, Ed Orgeron, Gerry Denardo, and likely someday Lane Kiffin.