Game day is soon to be upon us, and I have found myself firmly planted behind enemy lines— that’s right Hog fans, I’m in the belly of the beast: Sunny San Jose in the heart of Silicon Valley. I’m writing you to discuss my findings in the event that I’m unable to make it out alive. Let’s begin.
Cunningly, I have disguised myself in the garb of our enemies. I am currently sporting a pair of Allbird shoes, a Patagonia vest, a pair of Warby Parker glasses, and a smug sense of self-satisfaction. This has allowed me to assimilate easily with the locals, who have even offered me a discarded Lime scooter for transport.
The first thing worth mentioning is that these folks have no idea where Arkansas is. I’ve asked around, hoping to glean what intel they have on us, but thus far I’ve been met with responses ranging from “Where?” and “Oh, Arkansas! So you’re from the East coast!” It appears that the Spartan football team will be very lost on Saturday.
The second thing I’ve noticed is that venture capitalists are walking around everywhere, tossing millions of dollars at every semblance of an app idea they come across. I asked if the restaurant I was attending had wings as an appetizer, but before I could finish saying “-tizer,” I found myself the CEO of a chicken wing delivery company. Our IPO will be announced shortly to much fanfare and shareholder disappointment.
But we want to talk about football intel, not which stocks you should buy before they inevitably tank due to overvaluation. From what I can tell, San Jose State boasts a Spartan mascot, although it is as far from Sparta as you could imagine. Despite a lack of bronze shields, slow motion, and body oil, these sly sons of guns may end up causing the Hogs some trouble. You see, in 1941, the football team traveled to Honolulu to play the Rainbow Warriors of the University of Hawaii. However, due to the attack on Pearl Harbor, the team was instead drafted to serve as members of the Honolulu Police Department. Consequently, I have great suspicion that if given the chance, the Spartans will simply arrest every member of the Razorback team. The good news? They have to tell us if they’re cops.
It brings me much pain to report that I won’t be able to attend the game in Fayetteville, but I take solace in the fact that I may keep my eyes out for any shenanigans in San Jose. I hope to do Arkansas proud.
Until we next speak...
Happy Friday, folks.