“If I am mad, it is mercy! May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end!”
― H.P. Lovecraft, The Temple
Though infinite in expanse and time, the universe often seeks to tempt our paltry human minds—arranging events in such succession that our consciousness has no choice but to establish patterns. Are these true patterns, or simply faults created by the Gestalt principle? We’re left to wonder, perhaps endlessly.
If these patterns are to be believed though, then perhaps we may glean the impossible from the indiscernible. I present to you, therefore, without agenda, the empirical case for an undefeated Arkansas football season.
Through my years of research, I have compiled many pieces of news that I have found both troubling and tantalizingly exciting. Hog Headlines appear each day, and in greater quantity with each moment. This is the warning. It is time for the Hogs to be born once again.
Examine these headlines:
Examine the locations of each of these tales. How could the Hogs arise specifically in the order of our football schedule? This is no coincidence. No, reader. The eldritch gods have brought tidings from far and wide, and there is one irrefutable statement that can be gleaned from this news:
The Hogs are coming, and they’re dangerous.
This parade of porcine destruction only bodes well for loyal Arkansas fans. For in each of these states, we may find an opponent of our Pigs. And in each of these states, the Hogs require militia grade assaults to be destroyed. We should take heart then, that militias are against NCAA rules.
Call me mad, call me foolish, call me hopeful. It matters not. For it is written in the texts of the ancients:
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Hogthulhu Fayt’vil wgah’nagl fhtagn.”
In his house at Fayetteville dead Hogthulhu waits dreaming.
May all foes present in the Southeastern Conference and abroad read this prophecy and despair.
Happy Friday, folks.