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“If I am mad, it is mercy! May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end!”
― H.P. Lovecraft, The Temple
Though infinite in expanse and time, the universe often seeks to tempt our paltry human minds—arranging events in such succession that our consciousness has no choice but to establish patterns. Are these true patterns, or simply faults created by the Gestalt principle? We’re left to wonder, perhaps endlessly.
If these patterns are to be believed though, then perhaps we may glean the impossible from the indiscernible. I present to you, therefore, without agenda, the empirical case for an undefeated Arkansas football season.
Through my years of research, I have compiled many pieces of news that I have found both troubling and tantalizingly exciting. Hog Headlines appear each day, and in greater quantity with each moment. This is the warning. It is time for the Hogs to be born once again.
Examine these headlines:
Ancient ‘Hyena-Pig’ Discovered To Have Once Roamed Oregon
“Wild hogs cause more than $60 million in property damage in Mississippi each year”
“Cyanide bombs authorized to kill feral hogs in Colorado”
San Jose’s Iconic Dancing Pig Statue Restored
Herds of feral pigs going hog wild in Kentucky
This Alabama hunter shot and killed an 820-pound hog — after it wandered into his front yard
Monster swine ‘Hogzilla’ was real, experts say
Huge feral pig killed in Mississippi corn field
Bluegrass Landowners Asked to Help Locate Feral Pigs
Feds sending $75 million to states including Lousiana to table feral hog crisis
Major Missouri landowner backs MDC strategy to eradicate feral hogs
Examine the locations of each of these tales. How could the Hogs arise specifically in the order of our football schedule? This is no coincidence. No, reader. The eldritch gods have brought tidings from far and wide, and there is one irrefutable statement that can be gleaned from this news:
The Hogs are coming, and they’re dangerous.
This parade of porcine destruction only bodes well for loyal Arkansas fans. For in each of these states, we may find an opponent of our Pigs. And in each of these states, the Hogs require militia grade assaults to be destroyed. We should take heart then, that militias are against NCAA rules.
Call me mad, call me foolish, call me hopeful. It matters not. For it is written in the texts of the ancients:
“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Hogthulhu Fayt’vil wgah’nagl fhtagn.”
In his house at Fayetteville dead Hogthulhu waits dreaming.
May all foes present in the Southeastern Conference and abroad read this prophecy and despair.
Happy Friday, folks.
Be sure to sign up for our SB Nation poll, and follow @ArkansasFight on Twitter. For other opinions and hopefully more joke-bits, follow @TuckerPartridge.