- Their supposed-to-be starting QB, Ryan Higgins
Because us folks named Ryan Higgins don’t have a hard enough time beating the “drunk Irishman” stereo-type, he got cuffed and stuffed earlier this month for blowing a .119 while driving, according to the police report. Here I am, my chance to show the Hogs they should have recruited the real Ryan Higgins out of Little Rock Central back in ‘08, and now he won’t even get to start. I’ll avoid living vicarious through him once JaMichael Winston gets a hold of him his first snap of the game. I hate you, Ryan Higgins (and I’m not even sure which one I’m talking about anymore).
2. The school is in Ruston, LA
The town of Ruston smells like that sweaty sock that got stuck in the bottom of your gym bag for six months. It’s just better at that point to throw it away than try to wash it.
3. The Running Man
I have to agree with our cohorts at Underdog Dynasty. Louisiana Tech had the WORST Running Man video I’ve ever seen put together by their admissions department. Watch:
If that’s what it’s like to “Experience Louisiana Tech”, I think I’m good.
4. Terry Bradshaw
Not only is he probably their most famous athlete, he’s probably also their smartest alumni. If only NutriSystem could give back brain cells people lose listening to him on Fox on Sunday mornings. I predict the Hogs win by as many touchdowns as Terry has marriages. (It’s four, so you don’t have to Wikipedia it)
5. Lack of star power = 3 pm kickoff
Louisiana Tech has so little star power, the Big 12 didn’t even meet with them. That’s like being the one DM that Anthony Weiner’s pics didn’t slide into. The Big 12 had time for Arkansas State and Tulane, but that Ruston media market just wasn’t enough, I guess. Therefore, for what feels like the 10th year in a row, the Hogs will have the hottest kickoff time possible again to start the season. The 3 pm slot is the weakest possible slot because it goes against the CBS game, which is generally the best match up of the week. This game is going against Wisconsin/LSU, UCLA/Texas A&M, and Georgia/North Carolina. I’m not sure anyone outside the two states will know this game is even happening on Saturday.
6. Duck Dynasty
Duck Dynasty “star” Phil Robertson was actually the Tech quarterback just before Terry Bradshaw. If you’re wondering why Robertson didn’t seek a professional football career, it’s because he felt like it conflicted with his hunting schedule too much. Robertson is a scruffy reality show star that gets cut from the show when his unscripted and unedited comments make it too far into the public eye.
7. They’re a cupcake game
The going rate for these games is in the $1 million range these days. It is what it is. That’s the going rate for a win to help teams towards being bowl eligible. Except for that one time against that other team from Louis... Never mind.