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How Bret Bielema Can Go 1-0 At SEC Media Days

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It's always asked if new coaches will be ready to handle the SEC Media Days spectacle. Here's a little unsolicited advice from us to help wade through the Golden Flakes.

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1. You're coming in from the Big Ten, so expect similarly condescending questions like Missouri and A&M got last year. People are going to wonder if you're ready for the speed of the SEC, maybe even if you're ready to play in a good football league against good teams. What are you going to change now that you're coaching real football? Someone may refer to you as a rookie coach under the pretense that college football outside the SEC doesn't exist. If you simply mention Nick Saban by name, someone may get upset for "arrogantly calling him out. As if you have the right."

2. We encourage you to trump your Wisconsin record, draft pick history, and so forth. But do not, REPEAT: DO NOT compare your Big Ten record to Nick Saban's. It will not go over well. Yes, we know it's better, but it comes off as petty and everyone who doesn't laugh at you will roll their eyes. It's not a good look.

3. However, it's totally cool to make snarky jokes at the Big Ten's expense. That's catnip to SEC people. Something kinda lame like "I came in from Wisconsin. I'd have been here sooner, but, you know, Big Ten speed" should work.

4. Bring in a truckload of fresh cheese curds to let the people down here know what they're missing. However, all other foods and drinks in the South are better. SEC people feel very strongly about this. When you get the inevitable questions about your Urban Meyer "SEC recruiting" comments, start the answer with "I wasn't so excited about SEC recruiting, but the ribs down here are unbelievable!"

5. You've got the late slot on Wednesday. You'll be up after five other coaches and 15 other players. The reporters will be wearing out by that point. They'll be sticking around hoping you say something stupid that'll end up getting #BERT trending, but they'll also be thinking about happy hour. Might want to consider rolling a couple of kegs into the room before taking the podium. Give them a head start. Everybody likes a beer!

6. Twitter. You should definitely tweet from the podium. I recommend turning around at the podium and taking a selfie with the reporters in the background. Make sure you have an enormous smile on your face. It would also be fun to take the questions from the reporters, then after your answer but before the next question, tweet "what a dumbass question #WPS 1-0". Just don't commit any secondary violations. Or, hell, commit a secondary violation or two. No one's really sure what the consequences are anyway.

7. They're going to ask you about Twitter, Specifically, they're going to ask about why you interact with your haters. Remember, you've got to take out those who prevent BieleMania from running wild. They start messing around on Twitter, so you've got to use that medium to plant a boot in their face and drop the leg. Then hulk up and pose.

8. There's a dude named Clay Travis who will likely ask you about Jen's bikini picture from Instagram. Feel free to knock him down however you see fit. It'll win you some major, major Internet points.

9. Try to find a Sorkin monologue to use as the opening statement.

10. When they ask about Brandon Allen, tell them he's doing a good job of not yielding. If they ask about Alex Collins' mom, explain that Alex never yielded. When done, tell them you're taking the NeverYieldMobile back to Fayetteville. If you can, find a Yield sign from the road and spraypaint "Never" above "Yield" and #WPS 1-0" below "Yield" and duct tape it to the front of the podium.

11. Answer all Michael Dyer questions with "Who?" You've never heard of him.

Good luck. We look forward to Wednesday.