:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/1030793/153547028.0.jpg)
(Monday. Inside the Arkansas locker room.)
Tyler Wilson: Alright, Knile! We did it! We won another game!
Knile Davis: Uh huh.
Wilson: Wasn't it awesome to get out there and win one for Razorback nation?
Davis: Yeah.
Wilson: I feel rejuvenated. Man, it feels good to beat Auburn.
Davis: Yep.
Wilson: Knile, I know we've been down in the dumps, but we can still save this season! We could even make our way back to the Independence Bowl. But we've got to keep getting better and beat Kentucky this week.
Davis: Mmm.
(Door bursts open)
L: GETCHA PISS HOT, BOYS!
(Players all groan)
L: WE WON THE FREAKING IRON BOWL BABY. SMILE, TYLER! SMILE!
Wilson: Oh... yeah. We did it, coach.
L: WE ARE THE TOP DOGS IN THE STATE OF ALABAMA, Y'ALL. NOBODY CAN TOUCH US.
Wilson: Arkansas.
L: WHAT? T-DUB, DON'T BE LOCO. ALABAMA BELONGS TO US, THE CONQUERERS OF CHIZ-DICK AND THE AUBIE EAGLES.
Wilson: Arkansas. This is Arkansas.
L: DON'T SASS ME, TYLER.
Wilson: Sass you? You can't even keep your states straight, you lunatic.
L: HEY! I'M THE BIG CHIEF HERE. DON'T YOU DARE TALK BACK TO ME. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM? I HAD A 22-26 RECORD AT MICHIGAN STATE.
Wilson: That's horrible.
L: ENOUGH OF YOUR INSOLENCE! NEXT PERSON WHO SASSES ME HAS TO DRINK THIS.
(stunned, terrified silence)
(Wilson walks forward)
Wilson: Coach, that's enough. We've had enough of your crazy antics and horrible coaching. We've got to stick together and beat Kentucky this week, and we're not going to let you terrorize us and call terrible plays any more. I'm taking over this team for myself. I'm going to be the player-coach.
(team cheers)
L: OH, IS THAT RIGHT? YOU'RE THE HERO NOW?
Wilson: That's right. You're a lame duck anyway. We don't need you anymore.
L: HA. WHATEVER, WILSON. YOU NEED ME. YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN YOU NEED ME TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR THIS GOD-AWFUL SEASON. THAT THIS SEASON WILL GO DOWN IN ARKANSAS HISTORY AS "THE SEASON FROM ‘L.'"
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE OVER, FINE. BUT YOU'VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND WHAT WE'RE DOING TO OTHER COACHES. ESPECIALLY BEFORE WE PLAY KENTUCKY.
Wilson: What do you mean?
L: I CAN'T JUST TELL YOU, DUMMY. YOU NEED TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF. I WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME.
WE NEED TO TAKE A TRIP. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND JUST WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WIN BIG GAMES LIKE THIS.
Wilson: The last thing I want to do is go anywhere alone with you.
L: OH YEAH?
Wilson: Yeah. I'm not going anywhere. I need to be here with my team.
L: LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED A LITTLE MOTIVATION, SAILOR.
(gooses Wilson's butt)
(Wilson runs away in terror)
L: YOU WILL COME WITH ME, TYLER. IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE WROUGHT UPON AUBURN - AND WHAT WE WILL BRING UPON KENTUCKY.
WE'RE SO BAD, THAT WHEN WE WIN, BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE. LIKE GENE CHIZIK. LIKE JOKER PHILLIPS. THAT SIMPLE.
IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE SOLE LEADER OF THIS TEAM AND OF THIS UNIVERSITY, YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WIN. ARE YOU IN OR ARE YOU OUT?
Wilson: Holy shit, you are crazy. Fine. I'll come with you.
(Auburn, Alabama.)
(Wilson and L stand on a ridge, high above the plains.)
Wilson: Coach, why on earth are we wearing this?
L: SOMETIMES GOOD MEN MUST WEAR MASK, T-DUB.
Wilson: ... I hate you.
L: LOOK! THE HOUR APPROACHETH. LOOK INTO THE DISTANCE.
(Wilson peers into the sun)
Wilson: You tied him to train tracks? You're a psychopath! Why would you do that?
Chizik: Please! Please save me!
L: I DIDN'T DO THIS ALONE, TYLER. YOU DID IT TO HIM. THE AUBURN FANS DID IT TO HIM. HE DID IT TO HIMSELF. AND OLE CAM NEWTON DID IT TO HIM, TOO - HIGH EXPECTATIONS HAVE RUINED MANY MEN, TYLER.
Wilson: Come on, coach! We've got to help him!
L: IT'S TOO LATE, SON. ALL HOPE FOR HIM WAS LOST WHEN HE LOST TO US, THE MIGHTY ALABAMA RAZORBACKS.
(Ground rumbles)
Wilson: What's that?
(Train whistle blows)
Chizik: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo
Wilson: Oh, dear God.
All credit for this idea goes to Drew Magary at kissingsuzykolber.com. Be sure to check out his hilarious "inside looks" at the New York Jets and Rex Ryan. All non-photoshopped images courtesy of Google Images.