clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Does a Linebacker by any Other Name Hit as Hard?

New, comments


Would a rose smell as sweet by any other name is an old question. A newer version:  would a hit by a linebacker named, say "Dick Butkus," hurt worse than receiving a hit from say a "John Smith"? Controlling for weight, mass, and velocity, I think both would be felt for a long time, but the Dick Butkus hit might lodge itself in your memory  longer due to the name of what hit you, Dick Butkus. With this general idea in mind, I've been looking over the SEC's current rosters for all twelve teams and picking out the best football names for each squad. This is a purely subjective exercise, of course. What stands out to me, might not be a standout name for you. So if you have some memorable names of current players ( I didn't look all that much at special teams) or players in the past if you want to include them, please share in the comment section. Finally, if this all sounds a bit silly to you, remember, it is two months and twenty-seven days before we can talk about the results of a Razorback football game.

Arkansas: Offense - Quinta Funderburk (WR) arrives this fall and goes straight up the chart to my favorite sounding Razorback name. I hope his play on the field is as impressive as his name. Defense - D.D. Jones (Lineman) has already proven himself to be impressive on the field. He is on defense, and he has not only one, but two letter "Ds" in his name, perfect. As you'll see, I go by the theory that alliteration makes for better football names.

Alabama: Offense - Marquis Maze(WR) will try to replace Julio Jones, another double letter name, this fall. I already think with his name he would have been an outstanding fit at Michigan. If he has a great day against the Hogs, I might buy him a plane ticket to Ann Arbor. Defense - Dont'a Hightower (Linebacker),The name says mess with me and I'll see you in the Inferno / Hell.

Auburn: Offense - Chandler Shakespeare (RB)has by far the most literary name of the entire SEC, if not the entire NCAA. I hope he doesn't score a touchdown against the Hogs, but I hope to hear an announcer somewhere this fall say, "Shakespeare, in for a touchdown!" haha. The English major in me would smile. Defense - Eltoro Freeman (Linebacker), What is not to love about a linebacker with "Bull" for his first name?

LSU: The Tigers are known for having had some great named football players, Billy Cannon, for example. This year's roster is not loaded with SEC talent in terms of names, but there are two that standout from the rest. Offense - T-Bob Hebert (Lineman) beats out his fellow teammate, Trent Hebert, for "Trent" can't hold "T-Bob's" jockstrap, if you ask me, when it comes to name appeal. Defense - Ego Ferguson (Lineman), I just wonder if he has a problem with the idea that there is no "I" in the word team?

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Offense - Chad Bumphis(WR) sounds like more of a defensive name, but a good receiver has to bump the coverage off at the line, so yeah, it fits. I couldn't find a standout name on defense for Miss. State, so I went to special teams where I found Baker Swedenburg (Punter).I guess the standout factor is that I can't think of two more opposite places than Sweden and Starkville, Mississippi, so to have a player with the word "Sweden" in his name gets my attention. I wonder if he is blond?

OLE MISS: Offense - Brandon Bolden (RB) for the alliterative sound, and shouldn't a running back be bold? Defense - Mike Marry (Linebacker),"Holy Marry, Mother of Astroturf! Did you see that hit?" haha. A linebacker with a last name that sounds like a girl's name is probably also twice as mean in the trenches, a theory.

VANDERBILT: Offense - Jabo Burrow (Lineman),Just say that name out loud and try not to like it. Too bad more linemen don't get their names mentioned, for they have some of the better names out there. Defense - Tim Fugger (Lineman),Well, be careful when you say his name out loud. Being a defensive lineman, I have to guess that he doesn't get picked on like say a Gaylord Focker would.

TENNESSEE: Offense - Dorian Cozart (RB)should ask the Tennessee band to play a little Ein Kleine Nacht Musik after he scores a touchdown in the fall. Too bad they only know "Rocky Top," haha. Defense - Marsalis Teague (Defensive Back) has me thinking of the big, bad, Marcellus Wallace from "Pulp Fiction," but this Vol is actually only 5-10 and 175 pounds. His name is great, but I think it is bigger sounding than he is actually.

FLORIDA: Offense - Omarius Hines(WR)wins just because how many people do you know with a magician sounding name such as Omarius? Will he do a magic act at halftime? haha. Defense - Hygens Succes (Linebacker),You really have to wonder what mom and dad were thinking here. They should have just given his first name's "S" to his last name. Who wants to go through life always a partial "success"? Or maybe this name is victim to a roster typo?

GEORGIA: Offense - Rantavious Wooten(WR) What you bet this guy knows how to talk some smack? Defense - Bacarri Rambo(Defensive Back),I remember this name from last fall when he nearly picked off Mallett. Named after a rum (well close, Bacardi)  and a tough Italian Green Beret, there can't be nothing but pain coming from this guy when he hits you.

KENTUCKY: Offense - Max Godby (Lineman)or you could call him "The Great Godby." Defense - Malcolm McDuffen (Linebacker),sounds like he could come down on you with the weight of Scotland behind him. How many times has he probably been called Malcolm McStuffen while on the field or at the dinner table? haha.

SOUTH CAROLINA: Offense - Alshon Jeffrey (WR) somehow gets away with a name that sounds like it belongs in an Oscar Wilde play and at the same time is really cool sounding for a wide receiver. Don't ask me to explain it. Defense - Cadarious Sanders (Defensive Back) sounds like he could have marched with Caesar in a past existence. Somebody check and see if he is taking any Latin classes.