This past weekend we experienced the first non-football weekend in nearly 5 months and let me tell you, I didn't handle it well. Between the constant weeping and over indulgence of mind numbing liquids I believe people were genuinely concerned with my well being.
Luckily for you, I am here as a consultant to guide you through what is now possible - an actual productive lifestyle.
Hold on. Don't stop reading yet. Listen, I know that the past 5 months have led you to believe that actual productivity is a mere unattainable dream, but I'm here to tell you that anything is possible and the shallow football-filled life you have been sucked into the last few months can actually be replaced by a healthy, productive, and emotionally stable lifestyle. Because I'm sure you are suffering through withdrawals that have left you in shambles, I have made a short and sweet "to-do" list that will help guide you to your freedom.
Apologize to Your Significant Other
You have been a horrible - horrible - spouse.
If you are saying to yourself, "I haven't been that bad, I think I have been an attentive, caring spouse" then I need you to go grab a hammer and repeatedly hit yourself in the head with it until you wake up from your football induced coma and come to the realization that you have, in fact, been unbearable.
Oh, you don't think drinking 4 days a week, gaining 143 pounds, and listening to exactly zero things your spouse says is unbearable? There is a reason Valentine's Day falls right after football. It's there for you to dig yourself out of a monster hole and if you don't use it properly then that hole is going to just get deeper.
You undoubtedly have a "honey do" list that rivals the dictionary in page length and let me tell you friend, you're going to do all of them. Every. Single. One. You know why? Because it's a miracle that you are even still in a relationship after the lack of attention you have shown, the unexplainable emotional outbursts from poor clock management, and the money lost on betting second half "overs." You've got a lot of work to do, but the most important thing to realize is this is your fault - absolutely 100% totally you and your struggling fat heart's fault. It's time to play catch up gentlemen and the first step is a calm apology.
How do you still have a job? The easy - and inaccurate - answer is that you are an invaluable asset to the company. You are simply to good at your job and basically no one can do what you do - rock star employee.
The truthful answer involves a guardian angel, your mother's prayer, and upper management that are also wrapped up in the football season. It's time to get cracking because for the last few months all you have done is stumble into work Monday morning, pull up a spreadsheet, send an email, and crawl under your desk Costanza style for a quick nap. You have approximately 230,000 more hours a week to fill now that you aren't betting or watching football and a large portion of that time needs to be dedicated to not being fired. The good news is your bosses are probably still in football coma mode, so if you act fast you can get a leg up on ‘em. The time to get a promotion/not become unemployed is now. Show some initiative and shock the world.
I say this all the time, but if you didn't gain at least 10% of your body weight during football season then we can't be friends. Plain and simple, if you didn't become the worst version of your physical self the last 5 months then you and I flat out can't get along.
Football is one of life's greatest treasures and it just so happens to be complimented perfectly with delicious ice-cold beer and high-octane carb-loaded food. I call it the holy trinity of fabricated happiness, because it isn't true "I love myself and life" type of happiness. It's more like, "This helps me numb the pain of everyday life" happiness. You know what I'm saying? That's what makes it so magical.
However, there is a downside to all of that fabricated happiness - totally real weight gain. Not only have you been eating and drinking like the zombie apocalypse is right around the corner but because of all the football you've been watching you simply don't have time to exercise.
The good news is that you have the entire over-the-top mega carb-loading time back. First thing you need to do post football season is go on a diet and spend a little time in the gym - and by a little I mean you need to spend at least 2 hours a day working off the shame. You're in bad shape. I know it, you know it, and your concerned family knows it. Do it for you.
Attend Gambler's Anonymous
I have a working theory that the Super Bowl is actually one long test to see if you do or do not have a gambling problem.
To say I failed would be the most sugar-coated statement of my entire life. You see, it all started when I made the perfect hedge play of betting heads and tails for the coin flip. Diabolical right? That's how you gain betting momentum, that's betting 101.
You make a safe (perfect?) bet to get the heater rolling. What color gloves would Renee Miller wear? Mark me down for Red +500 all day because I love that action. The National Anthem over/under at 2 minutes 25 seconds? Do you think I can't Youtube every single national anthem that has ever been played and look at a clock? Under. Lock down bet.
After those rock solid pregame bets, my life morphed into a cornucopia of over/unders, lines, and player bets. I'm going to stop listing bets now out of respect, but this snowballed into an excel spreadsheet of bets that only an accountant could appreciate. If you are like me then you need to take a break for a while. Stop placing bets on Division III college basketball games and get yourself checked into some meetings. It's all fun and games until you find yourself on Spike playing Repo Games and the only thing between you and your car being towed is if you can remember the capital of Armenia. (It's Yerevan by the way, you ain't taken my car because of trivia)
Quit Fantasy Sports
This is a huuuge deal and something that you need to....... Lol, jk guys. Totes jk'ing with this one. This is still a society. We can't expect you to change the world, can we?
So that's that. A simple 4 step process that will help lead you to a wonderfully healthy lifestyle..... until the end of August.
Do you have any other goals you're striving for?
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