Our crack staff of interns have pulled off another one this year by hacking into Santa's main database up in the North Pole to find out what each team in the SEC has asked for and what they can expect to get. Amazingly, such actions are allowed by the NCAA, but our interns better not ever get caught giving a player a ride to the airport. They've been warned repeatedly against doing such a thing so low and dastardly as that. Texas A&M and Missouri, by the way, are still listed in the Big 12 section of Santa's database, so we don't have any information on them, but for each team currently in the SEC, our interns have provided us with the information I am sharing below. As you'll see, Santa is something of a mercurial fellow about what teams wish for and what they actually get. Enjoy the read before you retire for the night with dreams of Razorback gifts under the tree come Christmas morning. From me and the interns here at Arkansasexpats, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Wish: Radio controlled footballs that Nick Saban's staff can control right through the uprights on field goals and extra points. Barring that, Adam Vinatieri secretly dressed out in an Alabama uniform come January the 9th.
Get: All the hate mail that Santa got from Oklahoma State fans upset that Santa didn't get them a spot in the national championship game. It was on their wish list, and the Pokes had been good this year. What happened, they wonder.
Wish: For the trees at Toomer's Corner to survive another year.
Get: A lump of coal for Harvey Updyke and more than one season in Hell for Harvey to watch it burn.
Wish: For all the starters to get through the lead up to the national championship game in New Orleans without getting arrested or suspended.
Get: Santa is going to provide a year's worth of cologne and perfume to go along with a year's supply of corndogs.
Wish: For their rival Clemson to fail miserably in the Orange Bowl.
Get: Not a mouse a stirring the night before the bowl game at the Gamecock hotel, for Santa will make sure that Stephen Garcia is partying elsewhere. It looks like possibly Charlie Sheen's house.
Wish: For the new defensive coordinator, Paul Haynes, to be the best assistant hire the Hogs have made since Wilson Matthews joined Broyles' staff.
Get: The Hogs get their own reserved parking space at Cowboys Stadium thanks to their frequent appearances in Arlington.
Wish: For a time machine to go back in time and do whatever it takes to keep Cam Newton at Florida as Tebow's successor.
Get: Santa gets each Gator fan Denver Bronco ticket order forms.
Wish: Sticky fingers for their Bulldog receivers in the bowl game against Michigan State. And a repeat of that defense we saw in the first half of the SEC Championship game.
Get: A giant sculpture on Stone Mountain of Mark Richt giving his detractors in the Georgia fanbase the finger.
Wish: For a certified letter from Santa saying that the 2011 season (2-10) is the rock bottom in Oxford.
Get: T-shirts that say, "My administration spent millions on a second rate coach from Arkansas and all we got were Cotton Bowl t-shirts."
Wish: No rinky dink bowl game to distract the fans for a moment from the basketball season.
Get: No rinky dink bowl game to distract the fans for a moment from the basketball season. Thanks, Joker!
Wish: Back to back bowl wins for the first time since . . . the cows started to come home. That or Houston Nutt anywhere on Hugh Freeze's staff.
Get: Santa is going to fly down a design team from Nike to help insure that nobody next year confuses the maroon and white cow college from Starkville with the maroon and white cow college from College Station. New uniforms for the cowbell ringers!
Wish: For Coach Franklin to grow redwood type roots in Nashville.
Get: Tickets to all the museums in Memphis and free admission to the regional Modern Language Association's conference in Memphis on existentialism in the modern Scandinavian novel. Certain players will be invited to serve on the panel itself.
Wish: For that *#$&@* black cloud that has been hanging over Knoxville in recent years to go away.
Get: A promise from Lane Kiffen that he'll pay for the Board of Trustees and select members of the Volunteer family to attend next year's national championship game to see USC and Matt Barkley take on a team that is not the Volunteers. That and some new orange pants, with fire resistant material on the bottom, for Derek Dooley.