Some ONIONesque Hog Humor on a Friday Afternoon


FAYETTEVILLE, AR - It was announced today by Jeff Long, UofA Athletic Director, and UofA Chancellor Gearhart that the UofA, in order to remain competitive in the SEC, is going to add a new revenue stream. "This is just ground breaking," said Director Long, "Arkansas will be at the forefront of on field donations!" Director Long went on to explain that the UofA will start asking current players for monetary donations in order to secure a spot on the field. Long said, "When you think about it, they have the best seats in the stadium. We can't allow that much untapped revenue  to remain out there. We just can't." Under the new system, second and third string players will be asked for the highest donations, with the idea that there will now be an extra incentive to make first string. The first stringers will pay the least, but it will be on a position basis. For example, quarterbacks and running backs have the best view of the field, so they will pay more than say a center or right guard. "We think we've come up with a fair system that spreads out the burden," said Chancellor Gearhart. When asked where the athletes will get the money to make their donations, Director Long said that he guessed their families could take out loans just like other families who have students. When asked if the cheerleaders and band members would soon be asked to make donations as well, Director Long responded, "Can you believe it? We had not thought of that! Excellent idea!"  

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