Editor's Note: a few weeks ago, we hosted an informal John Daly caption contest as a means of shaking off the post-Alabama game blues, with the prize of a front page Arkansas Expats post to whomever wrote our favorite caption. Well, after weeks of careful deliberation we now have a winner...congrats to Hogsbreath, who turned in a couple of quality entries.
As part of his compensation, Hogsbreath requested that his post run the week of the Ole Miss game. And so, without further delay, please enjoy his in-depth look into one possible scenario for Saturday's outcome:
(Toss out the records, shrug off the past…It’s HATE Week!! Yes indeed, UA and Ole Miss square off once more, and this year’s contest features the latest in a long tradition of intriguing storylines: two Head coaches, one coveted by many and one that coveted many. You decide which is which.
Ole Miss has secured wins in the first two years since Coach Nutt relocated to the Grove from the Hill, and this has caused consternation on behalf of the Razorbacks and the fans. All this makes for yet another heated contest in a rivalry that has always been at the boiling point!
Please enjoy this farcical look at my all-time favorite rivalry. I love the Hogs...always have and always will, but as my dad used to say when the two teams met, “Sure I hope the Razorbacks win, but it sure will be tough to see Ole Miss lose.” Not any of what follows is even remotely possible, but it sure would be fun if it was!!!)
Arkansas builds up their characteristic 38 pt half-time lead, only to have Ole Miss catch up and tie it at 44 with seconds left.
With yet another overthrow from Mallet, the Hogs look as though they are playing for overtime. However, Petrino allows Tejada to try for a 78 yd field goal with time running out. Blocked! Rebels' (can I still say that?) ball on the Arkansas 2. Nutt elects to punt and go to OT, figuring if he can get it to 7 periods or more, a win is guaranteed.
All players on both sides ejected while fighting over the last order of shredded pork nachos on the visitor sidelines. Coaches decide to continue the game mano a mano: Nutt vs Petrino, overtime.
Nutt hands off to self, goes 22 yds before stepping out of bounds to conserve clock time. “I ain’t Les Miles! I can MANAGE the clock.” Three straight off tackle plays, three straight no gains. Punt.
Petrino appears undecided about what offensive strategy to use in OT, 1st half or 2nd half. Picks 2nd half and decides to throw incomplete to self in the flat.
Nutt runs 75 yds untouched for TD, but is told it’s the wrong end zone. “I thought it looked open,” he said. Hogs up by two on the safety.
Nutt decides to play for the tie and calls for a two point conversion play. Officials huddle before deciding to tell him he must score a td first. “That’s why they call it a ‘try-after’ Coach,“ they say. But there is no changing his mind on this. “I CALLED that play and we are running it.” 2pt try after good. Tied up again.
Nutt scores out of WildBear formation by faking handoff to imaginary McFadden and throwing td to imaginary version of former teammate LRCHS wideout Robert Farrell. He then strikes the pose and yells to reporters, “Better put me in the Heisman!”
Petrino tries a psych play by wearing Jacksonville State helmet on next series. Nutt goes berserk and starts wailing on him. Personal foul, injury TO as officials try to load Petrino onto stretcher. He shrugs it off, claiming “I got it worse than that from ESPN when I left Atlanta.” He gets off the carpet and runs fake punt in from 30 yards out.
Hogs go up by 6 when Nutt calls fumble-rooski, forgetting he was the lone nut on offense. Not to be outdone, Petrino calls statue of Liberty play, off of which Nutt scores from 65 yds out.
Petrino injures himself while yawning at his own late game play calling in the midst of a furious drive for a first down. Nutt takes advantage and kicks a field goal on first down. Ackbars up by 3.
Petrino calls his own number and catches Nutt in a zone blitz. Catching his own pass, he steps out of bounds on the three. FG bounces off cross bar and falls through. Hog nation weeps openly as shades of 2009 Tejada flash before their eyes.
Nutt grabs a microphone and announces that he is singlehandedly overriding the UM trustees decision on the nickname change and christens his team “The Ole Miss Mannings”, in honor of the street, the qbs, the tradition, and the fond remembrance of Sugar bowls, Cotton bowls, and national titles. The partisan Arkansas crowd erupts in a spontaneous chorus of applause, mistakenly assuming that the game is now over. When reminded that this is not yet a record, they respond “Yeah, but we weren’t AT those games. We went to bed and read about it the next day.” Nutt uses the response time to score untouched on a dive play.
Petrino engages Nutt in a debate over which coach has interviewed for more jobs. When Nutt runs out of fingers, he sits down to remove his shoes and Petrino completes a pass to himself in the back of the end zone.
Referees are caught trying to sneak out of the stadium disguised as drunk students. Two pass sobriety tests and are escorted back on the field under armed guard. They miss the part where the two sides trade scores but miss the “try after”. This phrase tickles Nutt to the point where he renames his team the Mississippi “Try Afters”. Cameras capture the Elder Manning vomiting in the stands.
We have a new record for sheer longevity as the 8th OT commences. Petrino, weary of being left out of the mascot thing, renames his team the “Storm Troopers”. This seems to energize Nutt. He sacks Petrino on an inside blitz. No score this period
Rock/Paper/Scissors results in a tie. Cameras track the progress of National Guardsmen coming up the Pig Trail to put a humane ending to the game. It is only the third time Guardsmen have entered Arkansas, including 1957. The other occasion was to gather Nutt’s texting information records. “Not bad,” says Razorback Owner Jerry Jones. “Thank God for Arkansas” says Ole Miss Grove Nation.
Mallett tries to sneak back on the field and is escorted to New York to await the draft. “Fine by me “, he says. He is heard to be whistling. And cackling. Loudly.
Mitch Mustain takes the field in a Petrino windbreaker and attempts to snap the ball. “This nickname stuff don’t bother me. You should hear some of the jokes they make about the Trojans!” However, being a bit rusty after 4 years of not being involved in any serious scrimmaging, he promptly draws a delay of game penalty, the attention of dozing referees, and the ire of Nutt. Nutt chases him off the field, shouting “I am NOT Pete Carroll!”
When order is restored, Nutt scores on a fumbled hook and ladder and Petrino counters with a TD off a fumbled snap from center. Bear (get it?) in mind how almost impossible this is with a one-on-one backyard line-up.
Okay…after 130 Southern Comfort and Ny-Quil cocktails, Arkansas fans chant “SAFETY…SAFETY...” in the hopes that Petrino will run out of his own end zone and give up the game winning score. However, in an electrifying development, Petrino channels Quinn Grovey and pitches to himself out of the wishbone. 23 yards for a TD. He then channels Mallett and overthrows himself by 25 yds on the “Try after”. Nutt chuckles again at the phrase. “Try after”. Where did that come from anyway?
Nutt pulls a page out of Johnny Vaught’s playbook by steam rolling the length of the field (or 23 yds worth, anyway), blowing the other team (or Petrino, anyway) off the line of scrimmage. First and goal, down 6…if he can score here and convert the “try after” (heeheehee) Nutt wins. A stop here and Petrino takes his first win over The Ole Miss William Faulkners as the Storm Trooper coach.
Nutt lines up, checks off, takes the snap____________________________________
(Unfortunately that’s when the DVR stopped recording. What can I say? I thought 5 and ½ hours would be enough. Check with SportsCenter. Whoever wins, congrats to players on both teams for having earned the honor and privilege of extending one of the most prized rivalries in College Football.)